If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
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