The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
