I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
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