I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
