i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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