you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
