I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Randomize
