i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
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