I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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