i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
