oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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