i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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