Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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