I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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