see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
