Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
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