I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
