you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
