I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
