drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize