$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
