living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
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