I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
