I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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