I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Randomize
