I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Rock
Scissors
Fuck
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize