i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
