i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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