When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
