My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
