so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
