I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Randomize