I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
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