How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
