Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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