Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
