you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
