I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
