Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
