white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Randomize