I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Randomize
