You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
