how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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