I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
