Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Randomize
