I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
