This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
