OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
