There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Randomize