just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize