She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
