4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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