i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
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