i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Randomize
