and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
