I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
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