Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
