Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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