shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
