I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
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