It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
