can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
