I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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