Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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