woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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