Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
