the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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